Does This Look Like The Face Of A Girl Who Told Santa She’d Kill Him And Cook His Reindeer If He Doesn’t Bring Her What She Wants For Christmas?
DM - It is part of the sweet Christmas tradition for children across the country, penning a festive wish list to Santa, hoping they are not on the naughty list. While most youngsters do everything to keep on Santa’s good side, one schoolgirl has torn up tradition and used her festive wish list to issue Father Christmas with an ultimatum: gifts or he gets it. Demanding Mekeeda Austin, 13, warned Father Christmas that he will be ‘killed’ if he fails to deliver at least two of her long list of lavish gifts. She even threatened to ‘hunt down’ Santa’s reindeer and ‘cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Xmas day’ if she doesn’t get her way. Her mother Tracey Austin, 40, was dumbstruck when she found the demanding note in her daughter’s school bag. In the letter Mekeeda, from Brickhill, Bedford, demands a Blackberry, a designer Laura Knitted 33 Jumper, money, Converse trainers and sunglasses. As well as gifts Mekeeda also demands Father Christmas bring her ‘the real’ Justin Bieber and teenage singer Austin Mahone. She signs off with the chilling warning: ‘Remember…two of these, or you die.’
Look I have no problem with a thirteen year old girl threatening a fictitious fat man with horrific violence if he doesn’t give her the things that she wants. Simple threatening 101. A strategy as old as time itself. But what I do have a problem with is this chick’s RIDICULOUS list of demands. I mean if you’re going to murder a dude and cook his gaggle of reindeer, at least make sure the bounty is worthwhile.
A Blackberry – Bitch didn’t you hear? RIM just gave up on the consumer market. A Blackberry is a dead communication tool. It’s a fucking fossil. Why don’t you just ask for two cups and a long string? Basically the same thing. Everyone knows you only threaten murder for iPhones. It’s common knowledge dumbass.
Designer Laura Knitted 33 Jumper – I don’t know what the fuck this is but it sounds stupid.
Money – Alright obviously I get this one. Who doesn’t want money? But did you ever think that if you just asked for like a hundred million dollars you could buy all the other bullshit things you’re asking for anyway? I mean you’re gonna murder the bro if he doesn’t come through right? Might as well go all out Dr.Evil style. The fuck do you have to lose?
Converse Trainers – If we’re not talking PF Flyers or Chuck Taylors then get the fuck out of my face.
Sunglasses – Bitch you better start specifying brands. There’s a big difference between Ray-Bans and some cheap Chinatown shades. I know you’re threatening Santa with death but can you work with him just a little bit?
Justin Bieber – Alright see this is where you fucked up. I don’t care how grizzly of a death you promise Father Christmas, there’s no way that bearded bastard is going to be able to deliver the Biebs. Like are you shitting me? That might be the most arrogant request in the history of requests. Justin Bieber probably receives more letters than Santa does. Probably more popular than St.Nick will be or ever was. Thinking that you can get Justin Bieber for Christmas is just about the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of a girl doing.
Austin Mahone – No fucking clue who this is.
PS – I really hope this mother bought a lifetime’s worth of shrink sessions as soon as she read this letter because this little demon slut is on a path for complete and utter sociopathy.