Does This Look Like The Face Of A Girl Who Told Santa She’d Kill Him And Cook His Reindeer If He Doesn’t Bring Her What She Wants For Christmas?

DM - It is part of the sweet Christmas tradition for children across the country, penning a festive wish list to Santa, hoping they are not on the naughty list. While most youngsters do everything to keep on Santa’s good side, one schoolgirl has torn up tradition and used her festive wish list to issue Father Christmas with an ultimatum: gifts or he gets it. Demanding Mekeeda Austin, 13, warned Father Christmas that he will be ‘killed’ if he fails to deliver at least two of her long list of lavish gifts. She even threatened to ‘hunt down’ Santa’s reindeer and ‘cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Xmas day’ if she doesn’t get her way. Her mother Tracey Austin, 40, was dumbstruck when she found the demanding note in her daughter’s school bag. In the letter Mekeeda, from Brickhill, Bedford, demands a Blackberry, a designer Laura Knitted 33 Jumper, money, Converse trainers and sunglasses. As well as gifts Mekeeda also demands Father Christmas bring her ‘the real’ Justin Bieber and teenage singer Austin Mahone. She signs off with the chilling warning: ‘Remember…two of these, or you die.’

Look I have no problem with a thirteen year old girl threatening a fictitious fat man with horrific violence if he doesn’t give her the things that she wants. Simple threatening 101. A strategy as old as time itself. But what I do have a problem with is this chick’s RIDICULOUS list of demands. I mean if you’re going to murder a dude and cook his gaggle of reindeer, at least make sure the bounty is worthwhile.

A Blackberry – Bitch didn’t you hear? RIM just gave up on the consumer market.  A Blackberry is a dead communication tool. It’s a fucking fossil. Why don’t you just ask for two cups and a long string? Basically the same thing. Everyone knows you only threaten murder for iPhones. It’s common knowledge dumbass.

Designer Laura Knitted 33 Jumper – I don’t know what the fuck this is but it sounds stupid.

Money – Alright obviously I get this one. Who doesn’t want money? But did you ever think that if you just asked for like a hundred million dollars you could buy all the other bullshit things you’re asking for anyway? I mean you’re gonna murder the bro if he doesn’t come through right? Might as well go all out Dr.Evil style. The fuck do you have to lose?

Converse Trainers – If we’re not talking PF Flyers or Chuck Taylors then get the fuck out of my face.

Sunglasses – Bitch you better start specifying brands. There’s a big difference between Ray-Bans and some cheap Chinatown shades. I know you’re threatening Santa with death but can you work with him just a little bit?

Justin Bieber – Alright see this is where you fucked up. I don’t care how grizzly of a death you promise Father Christmas, there’s no way that bearded bastard is going to be able to deliver the Biebs. Like are you shitting me? That might be the most arrogant request in the history of requests. Justin Bieber probably receives more letters than Santa does. Probably more popular than St.Nick will be or ever was. Thinking that you can get Justin Bieber for Christmas is just about the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of a girl doing.

Austin Mahone – No fucking clue who this is.

PS – I really hope this mother bought a lifetime’s worth of shrink sessions as soon as she read this letter because this little demon slut is on a path for complete and utter sociopathy.

If You Didn’t Watch The Wiener Circle On TruTV Last Night Then You Missed The Greatest Half Hour In Television History

“Don’t be getting naked in my restaurant if it’s not bigger than the cheddar dog!”

Not lying when I say this is the best show on TV right now. If you’re unfamiliar with The Wiener Circle, basically it’s this hotdog stand in Chicago run by sassy black chicks from the hood. They just fuck with the customers all day and the customers are encouraged to fuck with them back. So people just walk in and talk shit to these bitches and the bitches make fun of them and make them do stupid shit until their food is ready. Well they finally made a show about it and let me tell you…fucking gold!

I mean did you watch that clip? Fucking fat ass dudes just dropping trow in record time and hanging out in their whitey tighties and putting their shirt back on as fast as possible because they’re ashamed of their body, all to get a free t-shirt – magical television. Like I just want to hang out with these wiener slanging hood rats all day. Just sit on a stool and converse with them and watch the show they put on. I’m hooked.

Seriously if you don’t start watching this show then that means you straight up hate comedy period.

PS – How about that drunk dude that got naked and danced around? Like yeah, that’s what he did. He’s that guy now. The dude that gets naked at hot dog stands. Sweet life bro.

PPS – Fat ghetto black girls speaking ebonics to old, timid white people is flat out amazing:

Self-Titled “Tiger Whisperer” Lives Harmoniously With Bengal Tigers. Just Kidding He Was Viscously Mauled

DM – A radical wildlife conservationist who claimed to be a ‘tiger whisperer’ has been viciously mauled by one of his 14 captive tigers. John Varty was rushed to hospital after he was attacked by one of the 14 Bengal tigers he kept at his controversial ‘tiger sanctuary’ in South Africa. According to medical sources the 61-year-old suffered multiple puncture wounds all over his body during the attack. Amazingly, however, the documentary maker – who calls himself ‘The Tiger Man of Africa’ – appears to have survived.

People like John Varty are such dickheads. They think they can just spit in the face of millions of years of animalistic programming and evolution. Like oh, I know, I’ll just go hang out with one of the most ferocious killing machines on earth that was literally programmed to do nothing but hunt and fuck. This will turn out well.

I’m not lying when I say that if you feel bad for this dude then you’re a complete retard. Just an idiot. It’s like kicking a shark in the face and then acting surprised when you get your dick bit off. Or willingly inviting a fat girl over and then getting pissed when all your Nutella disappears. You put yourself in dangerous situations with tigers and sharks and fat bitches and you gotta expect that eventually something’s gonna get eaten.

PS – Maybe if this guy wasn’t breaking into tiger caves and stealing cubs and taking pictures of it then he might have had a better shot? I dunno, seems like something a mother tiger might not be that into.

Family Kicked Off Plane After Punk Ass Kids Refuse To Put On Their Seatbelts

DM- An airplane was grounded mid-flight on Tuesday after two young children refused to fasten their seatbelts. The Alaska Airlines flight was scheduled to travel between Long Beach, California, and Vancouver, Canada. But it was forced to land in Portland, Oregon, when the children, aged three and eight, refused to stay in their seats. The children and their parents were kicked off the flight and met by police officers. After being spoken to by officials, the family was allowed to continue its journey on another plane.

Is it a little over the top to say that kids should have to fly in a crate in the cargo section of the plane like dogs and cats? Seems like that would solve a lot of problems. Nobody and I mean nobody gets excited when they see kids on their flight. I don’t care if you’re a goddamn kindergarten teacher who volunteers at the orphanage in your free time. You step onto a plane and see a toddler and you’re like, “Oh what the fuck! Why did there have to be a piece of shit kid on my flight!?”

The real question here is are these the worst parents in the history of parenting? All the story says is that the kids wouldn’t stay in their seats. No mention of the parents at all. Almost seems like mommy and daddy were just enjoying the free nips, letting their two brats wreak havoc 35,000 feet in the air. Umm how about a little discipline? Kid doesn’t want to put on his seatbelt? Sit that mother fucker down and tie a knot in that shit so he can’t move. Really just nothing worse than a kid who thinks their shit doesn’t stink, and that happens to be all kids, so in summation there really is just nothing worse than kids.

 

Dude Saws Off His Own Foot And Throws It In The Oven So He Can Keep Claiming Unemployment Benefits

DM – A scrounger who almost died after cutting his own foot off so he could stay on jobless benefits has been told he might still qualify for work despite his amputation. Long term unemployed Hans Url, 56, had just been told his hand-outs would stop if he did not accept work found for him by job centre staff. And when his claims that he was too sick and did not like the work were challenged with the offer of a medical, he took drastic measures. Url, of Mitterlabill, southern Austria, rigged up a mitre saw and sliced off his foot – then put it in the oven for good measure to ensure no surgeon could reattach it. But job centre staff have delivered a blow to hapless Url’s plan by saying his new disability does not rule him out for work.

Right now I’m sitting in a cubicle. The office is dead quiet except for the occasional depressed sigh or clomp of high heels on the hardwood floor. I’m writing boring ass copy for an insurance company in Illinois. I had to wake up early and ride the subway with the rest of the rats to a place that I don’t like so I could work with people I don’t much care for. Every minute I sit here, I feel like I lose another little piece of my soul.

All I’m saying is that sometimes cutting off my own foot with a mitre saw and throwing it in the oven so that I can claim unemployment benefits doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. Just pop that thing off real quick, get one of those boss prosthetic legs like that bro in the Olympics had. Hang out on the couch all day, watch cartoons, order Seamless web, then when my friends are out of work just screw on the hardware and bounce out to happy hour. Not a bad way to live right?

But seriously how much must this dude have HATED his job? I mean this is one step below murdering yourself so you don’t have to deal with life’s problems anymore. Pretty sure the tiers are 1) Shooting up your office and then turning the gun on yourself, 2) Killing yourself and leaving a suicide note that it was all your boss’s fault, and 3) Cutting off your own foot with a mitre saw and throwing the severed limb in the oven. Gotta admire the dedication to laziness.

PS – How rough is it that this dude is still eligible for work even though he did this to himself? Probably the worst backfiring of a plan in the history of backfiring plans.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Woman Who Called 911 Saying She Was Lost In The Woods And Didn’t Know Where To Piss Except She Was Actually High On Meth In Her Front Yard With A Cooler Of Beer And A Gun?

WTSP – A woman needing help finding the bathroom is now facing numerous charges. Her first mistake: calling 911 for her restroom emergency. The Pasco Sheriff’s Office says 32-year-old Marcia Usher placed the 911 call Wednesday night, saying she was lost in the woods and didn’t know where she should urinate. Responding deputies found Usher not in the woods, but instead in front of her home, reportedly intoxicated and drinking a beer. A deputy noticed a nearby open beer cooler and asked Usher if he could check inside for any weapons or drugs. According to the arrest report, Usher complied and told the deputy there was beer and a knife inside. Instead of a knife, the deputy immediately saw a loaded handgun on top of the beer. The deputy tried putting Usher in handcuffs, and a brief struggle ensued.  She was reportedly tackled to the ground and taken into custody without further incident. At the jail, a vial of meth residue was allegedly discovered on Usher during a strip search.

I’d be lying if I said I never thought about calling 911 when I had to find a bathroom ASAP. Shit is just the worst. The Starbucks bathroom is out of order, McDonalds bathroom has a line five deep, no shady alley in sight… well, 911 is for emergencies, right? Honestly, what should take priority: someone driving a few miles over the speed limit, which is what cops spend a shitload of their time worrying about, or a person in need of taking a fucking piss before their bladder explodes? I bet a huge percentage of speeding drivers are only doing so because they have to get to a toilet anyway. If cops started protecting and serving by escorting us to the nearest shitter, I bet those other violations would completely fall off.

But the bigger question here is this: are meth addicts the most entertaining drug addicts of all time? I think they are right? Like every story you read about a meth addict is just so outrageous and awesome and on another level. Delusions, hallucinations, knives, beers, guns, resisting arrests… it’s go big or go home for these meth heads. Just putting on the best show the drug world has to offer and doing it day in and day out.

PS – Did the bitch figure out where to piss or what?

Millionaire Chick Wins Lottery For Second Time, Accidentally Gives Her Ticket To Homeless Guy

DM - A millionaire lottery winner who claims to have beaten staggering odds to win the state lottery twice in her California town has run out of luck. Emily Leach, of San Francisco, California, says she gave away her winning $260,000 ticket last weekend to a homeless man when she handed him a $100 bill. And now she wants it back. Ms Leach told San Jose Mercury News she purchased another winning Scratcher ticket last week from the same Liquor & Tobacco store in Mountain View where she won $1million three months prior. She said she learned a man had come to the store over the weekend to reclaim a ticket he purchased, and that he had apparently told employees her good luck must have rubbed off on him. She said that is when she realised the winning ticket must have been one she handed over unintentionally. ’That’s my ticket. He knows it’s my ticket,’ she told the newspaper. ’I feel like I’m going to come off as a huge, huge b**** if I say, “You need to give me my ticket back.”‘

I’m sure a lot of people are going to rip this lady and call her a cunt because she’s making a big stink about $260,000 when she’s already a millionaire. Look $260,000 is a lot of money. That’s something that I’m sure any person with a million bucks would haggle over if they lost it. Not talking pocket change here. But you know what lady, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Not like you got robbed or anything. You fucked up. Thought you were doing the good Samaritan thing and giving a homeless dude $100? Well that’s why you should never give money to filthy vagrants. Just never turns out good. And yes, you are going to come off as a huge bitch if you ask for you’re ticket back. Everyone knows that there’s no Indian giving when it comes to homeless people. Once the exchange has been made, that shit is final. Especially when it comes to $260,000 lottery tickets.

If I were this chick I’d just got back to my life of daytime trash TV and cigarettes by the carton and just be happy that someone as stupid as me who doesn’t notice a fucking lottery ticket inside a hundred dollar bill never has to work another day in my life.

PS – I’d throw the dick to this lottery winning slut.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Chick Trying To Outlaw Masturbation For Men?

Buzz Feed – Oklahoma state senator Constance Johnson introduced an amendment to that state’s Personhood bill, SB 1433, that would essentially outlaw masturbation for men. Johnson’s amendment proposed that the legislation include a provision that men ejaculating anywhere outside a woman’s vagina be considered “an action against an unborn child.”

Johnson wrote about the amendment in the Guardian:

“My action to amend the so-called “Personhood” bill – SB 1433, introduced by Senator Brian Crain (Republican, Tulsa) – represents the culmination of my and many other Oklahomans’ frustration regarding the ridiculousness of our reproductive policy initiatives in Oklahoma. I have received overwhelmingly positive responses from men and women in Oklahoma – and worldwide. The Personhood bill would potentially allow governmental intrusion into families’ personal lives by policing what happens to a woman’s eggs without any similar thought to what happens to a man’s sperm.”

Ejaculating anywhere outside of a woman’s vagina be considered an action against an unborn child? Bitch is you crazy!? What do you expect me to just rawdog chicks and bury my load nuts-deep every time? Fuck that. Unless you got the cure for all STDs and are planning on putting a free abortion clinic on every corner, I don’t think that’s gonna fly.

Seriously how arrogant is this lady to try and stop all guys from beating off? Like what are you gonna do, put us all on surveillance 24/7? Send it the SWAT team whenever someone goes on Youjizz? Start tailing people home from the grocery store when they buy Jergens and tube socks at the same time? My sperm is my sperm and I’m gonna squirt it wherever and whenever I want. Sure, that MIGHT be inside a girl’s vagina, but more than likely it will be on a stomach, on a lower back, in a condom or in that one v-neck t-shirt that’s been next to my bed for a few months. That’s my right as an American male and I’m literally willing to fight to the death for it. Because if I can’t go around shooting cum all over the place willy-nilly, then I might as well not even be alive at all.

New Study Finds That All Gingers Are Pussies

NBC - Scientists are investigating why redheads appear to be more sensitive to pain than those with other hair colors. Researchers at Southampton University Hospital are the latest to test the theory that a mutation in a gene that affects hair color also plays a role in the production of natural painkillers. They’ve signed up redheaded volunteers over 30 years old to be anaesthetized and given small electric shocks on the thigh, according to reports. The test subjects will be judged on how they perceive pain against a control group of those with dark-colored hair, the Telegraph reported. The trial is set to end in September, but if past studies are any indication they are likely to find redheads feel more pain than others.

I mean yeah, obviously. I don’t think we needed a study to prove that all gingers are freakish pussies, but I suppose the more evidence we have, the better. Is there a minority group that is so universally ridiculed more than gingers? I don’t think so right? You could have a group of neo-Nazis staring down a group of black people and if a ginger walked by I’m sure they’d join forces to make fun of the redhead for a few minutes. Really just no allies for these weirdos.

PS – How hilarious is it to picture a bunch of gingers just getting electrocuted all day while scientists measure how much they cry? It’s so perfect it’s almost too perfect. Like hey freaks, we’re gonna strap you down and shock you so we can prove to the world that you’re all big vaginas. Smile for the camera!

Classless Third Grader Hits Half Court Buzzer Beater

NBC New York – At an elementary school basketball tournament a third-grader reached for the stars and threw a stunning buzzer beater from half court. According to his dad, Austin Worthen has practiced this shot a thousand times. This time he sank the basket at the buzzer with dad taping the game. Austin’s team then won the game 25-4 and finished second overall in the tournament.

Dude, you ever heard of sportsmanship? Winning with a little class? How big of a dickhead do you have to be to throw up a half court shot at the buzzer when your team’s already winning 18 – 4? Fucking showboat. Dribble the clock out and have a little respect. And don’t go crying to your cameraman father when you’re getting hacked all day long next game. Essentially just put a bullseye on your back for the rest of the season.