Couples Not Having Orgasms During Sex On Purpose Now?

DM – A growing number of men and women are giving up conventional, climax-oriented intercourse for a different type of lovemaking. Karezza, which is derived from the Italian word carezza, meaning caress, stays far from the edge of orgasm, instead putting the emphasis on attachment and affection, not climax. Many couples are finding that the technique of karezza has helped heal their marriages, inject more spark into their sex lives, shed porn addiction, and even cure sexual dysfunction.

Oh sex without cumming huh? That’s gonna make my love life more passionate and exciting huh? Well I got news for you. I have sex without busting a nut all the time and I don’t feel any more passionate. It’s called drunk sex, and it’s basically the only kind of sex I have. And if I have to wear a condom during that drunk sex then I might as well not even have sex at all. It’s like walking into a test that you know you’re 100% going to fail. Didn’t study, no way to cheat, but you have no choice but to go through the motions like an idiot knowing fully well that the outcome is going to be embarrassing.

As for this Karezza shit, I don’t fucking buy it. Why even have sex if the climax is just going to be you squirting some jizz against the shower tile like it would have been if there was no girl involved at all? Plus male and female bodies are so different. Like it feels good for chicks to like rub their nipples or massage their thigh and shit. If I’m hooking up with a girl and she whispers “where do you want me to touch you?” my first and only response is “Um, penis please.” And make sure you keep touching it until it squirts all over you. And then I’m going to sleep.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Who Dug Up His Girlfriend’s Dead Chinchilla And Sent Her Pictures Of It?

DM - A man has been arrested after he allegedly dug up his girlfriend’s pet chinchilla that had died weeks earlier – and sent her pictures of it to her mobile phone. The sickening incident occurred after Raymond Williamson, 20, and his girlfriend had a domestic dispute, police in Kingston, New York said. Williamson allegedly pushed the 19-year-old woman to the floor and then scratched her while trying to grab her phone. He allegedly stole $260 from her following the fight. The following day, he dug up the animal and set her pictures of it to her mobile phone, police told the Daily Freeman. Police arrested him at the intersection of Clinton Avenue and St. James street just after 8.30 p.m. on Sunday night.

What a sicko. What a weirdo. What a strange, demented person. I mean really, who in their right mind has a pet chinchilla? Like what is that? It’s like a cross between a rabbit and a hamster and a mouse or something? Gross dude. I never understood why anyone would want rodent pets like that. You can’t play with them at all because they don’t give a shit about you. All those types of animals want to do is escape the confines of the prison you’ve put them in and go live in the wild. Like why do you think you have to keep them locked up in one of those colorful plastic cases with all those tubes and shit? Because if you leave the door open they’re gonna bolt for the hills. I can’t blame them. Hanging out in a tiny cell literally shitting where you eat while some nineteen year old blasts Lil Wayne in your face all day sounds like a bad time to me too. Grow up and get a fucking dog.

PS – This guy is obviously a mentally unstable psycho, but as far as getting back at your girlfriend originality goes, you gotta give him points on this one.

Al Qadea Educating Terrorists On How To Start Forest Fires Because Otherwise They Probably Wouldn’t Know How

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DM – Al Qaeda has called upon its followers to unleash massive forest fires upon the United States this summer. Published in the latest edition of the notorious terror magazine, ‘Inspire’, are graphic instructions for the creation and ignition of ‘ember bombs’ Detailed in the memorably titled, ‘It is of your Freedom to Ignite a Firebomb’, the magazine encourages any would-be terrorist to target Montana, because of the rapid population growth in its wooded areas.

I feel like Al Qadea is kinda like a TV sitcom that was really good at one point, but now it’s way over the hill and struggling for material. Like the writers are just mailing it in. You tune in because the older episodes were really exciting and original, but now you just get depressed and sad at what they’re pushing out.

I mean look at this dude with a dagger in his dick instructing his people on how to make forest fires. Concocting ember bombs and shit. Going into the science of how to burn things. Umm hey Achmed, I don’t think this subject calls for a full spread in your most popular magazine. Me and my friends lit the woods on fire a bunch of times when I was a kid and we didn’t need to study for it. Basically just lit a match in the woods and the rest took care of itself. Like how primitive are these mother fuckers? It’s almost as if they just discovered fire and are giving out tutorials on how to use it. Pathetic.

Seriously terrorist bros, this is just sad. We have nuclear drones. You have a box of Cumberland Farms matches. Weak sauce guys.

Chicago Judge In Hot Water For Looking At Fat Chick Porn On His Work Computer

Chicago Sun Times – Associate Judge Joseph Polito was trusted with one of Will County’s most notorious heater cases in 2007 when he presided over Plainfield man Craig Stebic’s attempt to divorce his missing wife Lisa. Now he’s at the center of an unsolved riddle of his own. Someone using Judge Polito’s computer login and password at the Joliet courthouse has been trying to use county computers to view hardcore Internet pornography, documents obtained by the Chicago Sun-Times show. Polito won’t say if it’s him — but Chief Judge Gerald R. Kinney has apologized “for any embarrassment this incident has caused.” And he’s referred the case to the Illinois Judicial Inquiry Board, which has the power to file disciplinary charges that could result in Polito being suspended or even fired. Among the 243 porn websites somebody using Polito’s county computer account attempted to access are chubbyparade.com, hugeheavybreasts.com, bigbras-club.com, portofdebauchery.com andteenagesextape.com.

Ahh, the old “someone is using my name and password to watch chubby porn but it’s not me I swear” routine. An excuse as old as time itself. Look I’m not mad at this dude for watching porn. Guys watch porn and pound off, that’s just what they do. Am I cool with his choice of porn? It’s not my first choice, with the exception of maybe teenagesextape.com depending on the production quality. But here’s what pisses me off about this story, and really any story that involves someone getting caught looking at porn.

It’s so fucking avoidable!

Google Chrome has something called “Incognito” where you can browse the web and have none of your history recorded. I wouldn’t jerk off in any other browser. Just don’t feel safe when I’m stroking it unless I’m in the Incognito safety nest. Like how do people not know about this? If your browser is anything but Google Chrome at this point in the internet then you should be sent to an island with the rest of the idiots and just toil your life away waiting for IE 7 or horeshit Safari to load. Firefox ain’t shit either.

Get your Google Chrome game up and nobody will know that you get hard from fat chicks. Simple as that.

Saudi Arabian Woman Faces Death Penalty For Witchcraft After Casting A Spell On Thirteen Year Old Girl

DM - A Sri Lankan woman has been arrested on suspicion of casting a spell on a 13-year-old girl on a shopping trip in Saudi Arabia. She may face the death penalty as the Middle Eastern country is known to behead convicted sorcerers. Police spokesman Mesfir al-Juayed confirmed yesterday that details of the woman’s arrest published in local media were correct. The daily Okaz reported that a Saudi man had complained his daughter had ‘suddenly started acting in an abnormal way and that happened after she came close to the Sri Lankan woman’ in a large shopping mall in the port city of Jeddah.’He reported her to the security forces, asking for her arrest and the specialised units dealt with the situation swiftly and succeeded in arresting her,’ Okaz said.

Look I wish we didn’t live in a world where shit like this happens. I wish everyone on the planet could employ logic and common sense in their lives and then we wouldn’t have fucked up shit like this happening to people. But the sad reality is that’s just not the case. No matter what we do, there are still going to be crazy people out there who live by primitive ideals and think that they can just go around casting spells on little girls during shopping trips. Like what’s wrong with this lady? She thinks she can just toss spells at strangers willy-nilly and there won’t be any repercussions? Not in Saudi Arabia sister. In Saudi Arabia you cast spells without thinking and it’s a beheading for you. Just irresponsible sorcery of the worst kind. I just hope this serves as a warning to all the other witches out there. If you don’t practice safe magic then you get the death penalty. Spell casting 101 really.

Japanese Cop Just Doing The Damn Thing And Licking Woman’s Hair

(Not actual picture of cop)

SHIZUOKA, Japan – A Japanese cop has been arrested for licking a woman’s hair, police said Thursday. Tetsuya Ichikawa, 50, allegedly approached a 25-year-old woman from behind in a restaurant in Shizuoka prefecture, 111 miles (180km) southwest of Tokyo, on Tuesday night and proceeded to lick her hair, broadcaster NTV reported. ”I wanted to lick so I did,” the forensics officer told police, according to AFP. A spokesman for Shizuoka prefectural police confirmed Ichikawa’s arrest. Ichikawa had been on medical leave for an undisclosed illness since June and on Tuesday had asked the department about returning to work, the spokesman said. He added that Ichikawa did not specialize in the analysis of human hair. It was not known what charges, if any, the cop would face

Say what you want about the Japanese, but they are so unapologetic in their sexual creepiness that you kinda have to respect it. Like this is a one of a kind grope right here. Didn’t go for the tits. Stayed away from the ass. Completely skipped the vagina. Just made a B-line for the hair lick without a shred of hesitation. See that’s the thing about Japan. In the US, people hide their weird sexual desires because it might be embarrassing or taboo. Not in Japan. In Japan people are just out on the streets acting on whatever gets their dick hard and apologizing to no one. Like thanks for the Pantene Pro-V tasting, I’m gonna go back to keeping these streets safe from menaces to society. Protect and serve. That’s what Japanese cops do.

PS – Amazing quote from this weirdo right here. “I wanted to lick so I did.” Like what’s the big deal guys? I felt like licking a strangers hair so I licked her hair. Why’s everyone so upset? It’s cool, I’m Japanese. I really don’t see what the big deal is.

PPS – Double amazing quote. “Ichikawa did not specialize in the analysis of human hair.” Oh good to know. That would have changed everything. If he was a hair specialists then this would have been par for the course. Thanks for clearing that up.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Rugby Player Who Says He’s Happier Now Since He Had A Stroke That Turned Him Gay?

Telegraph – A year ago, Chris Birch, 26, was a 19st beer-swilling athlete from the Welsh valleys who loved motorbikes and was engaged to marry his girlfriend at the time. However, after suffering a stroke, he woke up to realise that he was no longer attracted to women. He has since slimmed down, quit his job in a bank to become a hairdresser and is engaged to another man. Reflecting on the dramatic change, Mr Birch, from Caerphilly, told the BBC: “The Chris I knew had gone and a new Chris sort of came along. I came to the realisation that the stroke had turned me gay. “I’m happier now than I ever have been, why would I want to change?”

Life is weird. One day you can be a rugby-playing, beer-swilling motorbike enthusiast who’s engaged to a chick and loves jamming pussy all day, and the next you can have a stroke and wake up with a thirst for cock and become a hairdresser and get engaged to a dude and start posing for pictures with blowdryers. Just strange stuff.

And this is precisely the reason that anyone who says god has a plan for everyone is full of shit. You’re really going to tell me that this was god’s plan for this bro? To go from beavers to bears overnight? To go from chugging beers with his boys to chugging cum? To give up his motorbikes for a pair of scissors and some barbicide? Like that’s how god drew it up? Those were the X’s and O’s he came up with? Gimme a break.

PS – What’s the over/under that this dude is just using the stroke as a sneaky excuse to come out of the closet? He’s like “Oh, got no control over my need to get blasted in the ass now. It’s the stroke’s fault. Looks like I’ll just have to go take cocks to the face and ass all day now. What can ya do?” Hey, I ain’t mad at him.

Drunk Horny Ghost Just Grabbing Asses At The Bar

Sun – Terrified regulars at the Queen’s Arms have been keeping their backs to the wall since they realised the randy ghost was stalking the bar. And it has become so bothersome that the exasperated owners have had called in a team of ghostbusters to give the saucy spook the bum’s rush. Staff at the Birmingham city centre boozer have nicknamed the ghost Grasper after they described feeling a “firm pinch” to the buttocks. Assistant manager Paula Wharton, 41, initially believed the tweaks on her body were muscle spasms. She said: “One night three of us were talking and I mentioned that I’d felt this pinch on my bum, and everyone else said that it had happened to them too.

Do you know how bad I wanna be a ghost? Infinity. I wanna be a ghost infinity bad. Because ghosts have it made in the shade as far as I’m concerned. They can just float around grabbing asses and tits all they want and it’s impossible to catch them. They don’t have to wait in lines or traffic cause they can just breeze through that shit. And they make their own schedule. Only get out of bed when they feel like it to do some haunting and ass pinching. It’s a luxurious life to say the least.

And what better place to hang out if you’re a ghost than the bar? If my soul is roaming the earth then you better believe the pub is gonna be my first stop. Toss back a few spirits (boom, punned) and finger chicks assholes all night without any repercussions. Stumble back to my grave for some R&R before hitting the bottomless mimosa brunch with all my ghost pals the next day.

Look I’m 23 and not saying I want to die yet, but on the other hand if you told me I could be an ass-grabbing bar ghost tomorrow then yeah, kill me.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Porn Star Named Sledge Hammer Who Died After Getting Tased By The Cops?

HuffPo – Sometimes strength can be a weakness. That may have been the case for porn star Marland Anderson, known by many as Sledge Hammer, who was tased to the point of cardiac arrest by police. According to Anderson’s friend, the police may have been intimated by his size and resorted to using a taser instead of other means to subdue him. Anderson died Friday, five days after police took him to a hospital for attempting suicide, the Los Angeles Times reports. The incident began on April 8 when the police responded to a report of an attempted suicide in the Reseda area. When they arrived, Anderson’s girlfriend told the officers that Anderson had tried to hurt himself with a knife, and she had struggled with him for it. He was then restrained to a gurney and, on the way to the hospital, broke the gurney free from a floor lock and broke a handcuff. At this point, police used a taser to restrain Anderson.

Not sure why but when I hear about porn stars dying my knee jerk reaction is “Yeah, obviously.” Like they fuck for a living and do weird shit with whips and fruit and masks and black guys and stuff. Doesn’t everybody assume that they’re just gonna die in a fucked up way at some point? If not AIDS then choking on a bag of weed and if not that then getting tased to death while being taken to the hospital because you tried to kill yourself with a knife. Pretty sure that statistically being a porn star is more dangerous than being the Crocodile Hunter.

But I’ll give this guy credit where credit is due. He did it right with his porn name. Sledge Hammer might very well be the best name in porn history. Didn’t try to get too fancy or creative. Kept it classic and classy, and when it comes to fucking thousands of women on camera for money, that’s really the only way to go.

Mike Tyson Says The Lowest Point Of His Life Was When He Beat Up Seven Prostitutes While Fucked Up On Cocaine, Morphine, and Cognac

DM - Once known as the ‘baddest man on the planet’, his life has taken more than a few dark twists and turns. But now Mike Tyson has for the first time revealed his lowest point ever in a searingly candid interview. The former heavyweight champion said that back in 2009 he was in a hotel room with seven prostitutes, a morphine drip in his arm, a pile of cocaine and a bottle of cognac when he began to feel paranoid. Convinced the women were trying to steal from him he started beating them up and threw them out – to stop them from ‘taking his soul’. 

‘This is really dark. I am in my hotel suite, I’ve got seven women there, and I have a morphine drip, and I had my cocaine, and I had my (Viagra like pill) Cialis, I had my marijuana, I had the Hennessy, and I am at my lowest point because I got paranoid and I thought these women were trying to rob me and set me up. 

‘I started beating them. I was in a dark place. There was a purpose, though, because I didn’t want to give them any more of my soul.

‘So this is my devil, this is where I am, I am locked up alone. There is nobody there telling me that I’m doing too much.’

Say what you will about Mike Tyson, but any dude that’s hanging out in a hotel room with a morphine IV, a bunch of blow, boner pills, weed, some Henny and seven hookers is someone who’s less than a god, but more than a man. That’s right, I just referenced Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez’s description of Babe Ruth in The Sandlot to describe Mike Tyson in a hotel room with hookers and drugs, and I’m pretty goddamn proud of it.

Seriously though, Tyson for the win here right? I mean yeah, it sucks for all the hookers that got beat up, but lets be honest. If you’re a hooker and you find yourself in a room with Mike Tyson and he literally has needles in his arm and blow in his nose and he’s drunk popping dick enhancers, what the fuck do you expect is gonna happen? I mean c’mon, you may be a dumb prostitute, but you can’t be that dumb.

Just another reason Mike Tyson was/is the most entertaining man in sports. Just doing half the drugs known to man before beating up seven prostitutes because he thought they were the devil. Well played, Mike, well played.

PS – I can’t stop laughing at the fact that there were seven prostitutes there. Fucking SEVEN prostitutes! Just such a ridiculously large number of prostitutes to have at one time. Like was he gonna have an 8-way? Was that his plan? I bet he just picked that number clean out of the air. The dude on the phone was like, “How many tonight, Mr. Tyson?” and Mike was like, “Uhh, seven. Gimme seven hoes.” Just so awesome.